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Fourth Installment: The Hillary vs. the Ham Sammich Archives

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Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Fourth Installment: The Hillary vs. the Ham Sammich

Newsflash: The latest polling numbers from IP – ONU have just been released and the race is even closer than before. At this time, 2+ years out from the race, the gap narrows and is now even closer than first thought with the Ham Sammich’s lead decreasing but it’s still too close (for any normal person) to call with a difference of 0.00…6.

Polling Note: Interestingly enough the usual suspects, ABC, CBS, NBC, Zogby, etc. are close to projecting the winner since that lead, to them, appears to be statistically significant and with the polls expected to close in just over 3 + years it fits their timeframe. The pollsters privately (natch) tell us the upswing detected in the Hillary’s numbers required the use of the new super computer from Big Blue running for 3 straight weeks 24 hours a day with data manipulators, whoops, I mean data entry staff also working 24 hours a day to bring the race this close and into their margins of error, plus or minus 15 gazillion.

As the Supreme Being circus is in a down moment the election tacking appears to be back on the war on terror with the Hillary’s team spread out ever so thin ensuring that every possible position was covered (and no the every possible position line was not meant to bring Billy boy to your mind!).

The Hillary machine was in full revision mode ensuring that all of the tacks performed during the Billy Boy terms were re-spun such that no one could possibly understand any position they may have taken and the Hillary’s positions were completely compatible with any future position. It was marveled by several insiders close to the Hillary’s campaign that such a large group of “individuals” could possibly be so in sync for such a long time. And they indicated, anonymously of course, no make that but of course, any group attempting to re-spin their re-spun spinning would in fact spin themselves into an alternate spinning Universal where spin and no spin would co-exist, and that nothing said is everything said!

Continuing to “speak” “off the record” the insiders revealed that the Hillary’s legal machine, which is needed to counter any factual argument(s), has been practicing endlessly the lessons learned during their landmark spin case. The legal community still has not recovered from the historic legal demarcation moment where for the first time in recorded history the meaning of “IS” was completely destroyed and rebuilt under the judicial systems sharp eye. It was said to be a non-stop orgy, whoops no I think the pizza person was off that weekend, a non-stop bombastic point – counter point session with the word IS being shown no mercy, no mercy, one only hopes the poor little word was not subjected to torture, well, any more torture than listening to that group talk! All of us normal people also marveled at the legal systems most “brilliant” minds, some flown in from the farthest corners of the planet, that upper Escalon of thought that found themselves involved in one of the most historic intellectual battles every fought. The best from K street, Haaaarrrrrvard, and all the IVY league schools were called in and they too were stumped, no make that blown away at the daunting, no make that the MOST DAUNTING intellectual legal argument ever witnessed and undertook by mere mortals, the defining of the word “IS”!

For those of you that have wondered, some have wondered out loud, how can the Ham Sammich and its mere mortal campaign team possible prepare to do battle with a group that is so awe inspiring, so awesome in conceptual prowess, so brave as to stare down the most famous intellectual legal battle every fought on the planet? Well it has come to this reporter’s attention that the Ham Sammich’s team has called in the most powerful element in all of Nature and is prepared to use it if needed. I know, I know that seems like an impossible mission, but fear not mere mortals, the secret weapon is up for the challenge and I am hear to bravely report to you that the inside circle of the Ham Sammich’s organization has indicated they will use the most powerful weapon on earth if needed! I know it will scare the Hillary’s legal team and they will cry foul, but this reporter is sure that when needed, the Ham Sammich is prepared to go to Def Con 9 and roll out the most dreaded projectile in politics, the TRUTH missile…

Stay tuned readers as this could be historic…

Posted by Marc at 03:40 PM  ·  Marc