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Fifth Installment: The Hillary vs. the Ham Sammich Archives

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Monday, April 10, 2006

Fifth Installment: The Hillary vs. the Ham Sammich

Newsflash: The latest polling numbers from IP – ONU have just been released and the Hillary has taken the lead!! At this time, 2+ years out from the race, the gap for Hillary is microscopic over the Ham Sammich but it’s still too close (for any normal person) to call with a difference of 0.00…8.

Polling Note: Interestingly enough the usual suspects, ABC, CBS, NBC, Zogby, etc. are thrilled to no end and are starting to actively question, “Why do we need an election?” The Pollsters, off the record of course, wonder why the stupid government requires the vote at all, they know who American’s want to be President and all of this voting stuff and Electoral College stuff is a complete waste of Taxpayer dollars. In fact they say, why wait till 08 to put a new president in, let’s throw the bum out now and shove the Hillary in, think of all the money and time saved! They walked away grumbling something about “will of the people, how dated is that!”

The Bill and Hill little dust devil situation about “Port’s” and security was really just a memo to memo chain off command issue and not a REAL issue between the two. A meeting was planned and came off with out a hitch between the two after their staffs worked for days to re-schedule their schedules so they could actually talk face to face. As with all situations that show Hillary to be incompetent with regards to political positioning, Bill quickly came out and took the blame. He also forcefully reminded everyone that Hillary wears the pants in their relationship and Bill “sticks” to the blue dresses.

The Ham Sammich has been on a Whirlwind Tour of the Mid-West states raising money and building localized Campaign teams that will roll-up to support the National Campaign. These teams consist mostly of dedicated Ham Sammich loyalists who for years have enjoyed the tasty relevance of the Ham Sammich’s position in Society and who rejoice with smiles and warm embraces to all. Ham Sammich loyalist see no color, no age, no gender, no need for laws on things that no one on this planet has control of!

The Hillary machine has also been on a Whirlwind Tour of the Mid-West states raising money and building localized Campaign teams required to support the National Campaign as well. As an example of her “enduring” support in Iowa, The Hillary’s local Iowa campaign staff was augmented by less than 200-300 lawyers and such from East Coast teams that were only brought in for “back-up”. The Hillary team assured the local followers her will was their will and as long as they followed the Central Command Operation (CCO) directives they would still be in charge of things, you know, donut runs, mail box stuffing, tire slashing, etc., and that the legal agreement they we’re signing would only be needed if they were required to be arrested based on illegal activity and, but of course, the CCO will disavow any knowledge of their operations regardless of where the order came from. The Hillary team would later thank them via a form letter from the Queen, whoops, I mean President as they had to understand there would be too many for her to personally sign.

The Hillary has reportedly raised so much money the insiders are speaking to numerous banking officials about setting up the Bank of Hillary and how to properly launder the hard and soft money such that no one knows which is which and therefore ensures no campaign laws will be broken. The rumor that the Hillary campaign might follow the campaign finance rules laid down by Fiengold-McCain were laughed off by the insiders, “those rules are meant for old white men, the FEC ensures all of the protected groups (women, minorities, reporters, school unions-professors, lawyers, etc.) can do what they want and no harm will come to them!”

Breaking news has is that the Ham Sammich’s mere “mention” of the dreaded Truth Missile has infuriated the Junior Senators Presidential staff and they are up in arms! Insiders tell this intrepid reporter that the news shook some of the staff so hard they were reduced to un-controllable outbursts some to vulgar for print, what follows are some of the “tamer” outbursts, “telling the truth is for weenies”, “telling the truth is a sure sign of weakness!”, “telling the truth requires that one be non-nuanced!”, the horror, the horror, …

The Hillary’s team has responded by preparing over 50,000 lawsuits based in International law that argue the people can’t handle the truth, don’t need the truth, and shouldn’t be allowed to know the truth! The Hillary’s legal team, estimated at over 10,000 lawyers, is prepared to submit as many lawsuits as needed to ensure no one ever understands the real story and they can outlast any challenge(s) based on silly things like the facts or the truth which are, of course, poor foundations for running a political campaign.

The Ham Sammich is preparing to respond with an “Army of David’s” (Glenn Reynolds aka Instapundit), grass roots people all over the US who still believe in Truth, Justice, and the American Way! The SFB’s (Special Forces Bloggers) make up the bulk of the Army of David’s and they are a formable group, the humongous legal Gauntlet thrown up by the Hillary might not be sufficient to conceal the truth and ensure reality cannot be defined by mere mortals whom aren’t Judges. The Hillary legal team will be completely un-prepared to battle this new foe, most importantly, their mixture of complete arrogance buttressed by complete ignorance of what the “Army of David’s” is makes for a battle that historians looking back in time will wonder, wonder out loud, how in those modern ages could such a massacre have been allowed to happen, the horror, the horror.

Never the less, insiders on both sides of this historic showdown realize what is at stake and we expect this battle to be intense, hard fought, and as rough as anything ever seen in Modern Political times. Including the most historic Clintonian legal battle ever fought, the legal based meaning of the word “is”. We will endeavor to pursue for you our readers, the un-biased and TRUTHFUL reporting of all the facts, to hell with Nuance!!!

The next installment will focus on the battle between the Goliaths of the Hillary team’s construction vs. the Army of David’s as the Gauntlet is laid down and the siege begins!!!

Until we meet again, remember the truth is more than a feeling, the truth is more than words, the truth is never nuanced, the truth doesn’t need spin, it is what it is…

Posted by Marc at 11:04 AM  ·  Marc