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Third Installment: The Hillary vs. The Ham Sammich Archives

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Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Third Installment: The Hillary vs. The Ham Sammich

Newsflash: The latest polling numbers from IP – ONU have just been released and the race is still incredible close. At this time, 2+ years out from the race, it’s neck and neck with the Ham Sammich increasing it’s lead but it’s still too close (for any normal person) to call with a difference of 0.00…9.

Polling Note: Interestingly enough the usual suspects, ABC, CBS, NBC, Zogby, etc. are close to projecting the winner since that lead, to them, appears to be statistically significant and with the polls expected to close in just over 3 + years it fits their timeframe. And it’s also interesting to note that although the Ham Sammich is leading the race, they have indicated a large sampling of virtual voters leaving the virtual exit polls indicates the Hillary will win by a landslide. Unlike the Kerry and Gore races, the pollsters privately tell us that the odds of winning on a double or nothing strategy get better the more you try and hey with zero downside, why not go for broke?

We have seen an increase in tacking maneuvers as the O’Conner Supreme Being replacement circus, whoops, process gets underway. The NY Junior Senator Shoemurrmurr has decided to forgo his usual position and allow his fellow NY Senator to take the lead on grabbing as many camera shots, whoops, I meant talking points and explaining them to the general populace. She of course warns that without a suitable replacement all known rights in the US will be returned to the state of Europe where Kings and Queens ruled.

Interestingly it was pointed out by a long term White House correspondent that she seems to be fighting the thing she craves most but just doesn’t know how to turn our country into a Kingdom for her to rule. The correspondent, speaking on condition of anonymity, indicated it was the first time, to his knowledge, she had run into a road block she couldn’t run over and uttered something about those “damn constitutional GUYS”.

Meanwhile her spousal unit, whoops I mean husband, continued his aggressive tack to the left using the talking points of a number of well known anti-American blogs to ensure the opposition research knows the full extent of the Ham Sammich’s history. Sources close to the Senators spousal unit have heard rumors of a major news story revealing that in fact the Ham Sammich might of, although no proof exists, have taken to using mayonnaise instead of mustard clearly indicating racial insensitivity. The Ham Sammich’s camp issued the following pre-response: “No one, and we mean no one, would argue that Ham Sammich lovers choose one, sometimes both, and, have been known to even switch between the two which clearly indicates a full acceptance of all colors by the Ham Sammich’s supporters”.

The expected announcement has generated so much buzz that the anti-American blogs traffic spikes have interfered with the high school and college students, who support those sites, school work causing many school districts to simple issue a grade of A+ and suspend any attendance requirements to all students who can show they visit these sites on a daily basis. This allows those students to travel to anti-American demonstrations instead of being in school and allows the teachers to take a break from their hectic schedule. The anti-American blogs indicated that advertising revenue was through the roof since 98-99% of their visitors are students. Speaking on condition of anonymity the source further says the advertising companies, Gender Identification for You, Condoms for Lunch, and the famous Grades for Purchase are reaping stellar windfalls as well and he hopes the parents of these students continue to avoid asking any questions about what their kids are doing in school.

Stay tuned readers…

Posted by Marc at 09:54 AM  ·  Marc